


I cared about the whole world because I cared about you

by gracelestars



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x18 coda, Angst, BAMF Dean Winchester, Character Study, Coda, Dean Winchester Prays to Castiel, Despair, Episode: s15e18 Despair, Episode: s15e18 Despair - Castiel's Confession Scene, First Fic be nice, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Dean Winchester, Just watch and see, M/M, POV Dean Winchester, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, gay love will pierce the veal of death and save the world, no beta we die like cas, s15e18 Coda, sobs, this is my therapy lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:34:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27524686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gracelestars/pseuds/gracelestars
Summary: You think that Dean Winchester, who has been told by his angel that he loves him, can be stopped? Guess again."And while he might not have angelic powers, ability to manipulate spacetime, open doors to another dimension… he was a Winchester… a Winchester in love - a force the universe could not reckon with."(s13 Widow!Dean vibes until we get s11 "won't stop at nothing to get Cas back"!Dean vibes.)
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 8
Kudos: 69





	I cared about the whole world because I cared about you

He couldn’t breathe. His heart was beating so loud as if Billy was still banging on that door.

But at the same time his heart was gone.

Ripped away from him. Only pain and blinding emptiness remaining in its place.

He wasn’t there anymore; he was a shell of a man once again.

He couldn’t think. Cas’ words and today’s events replaying in his head over and over and over again.

He walked them into Death’s trap. Letting his anger blind him. It was all his fault. He failed. And-

And Cas offered himself to come with him. Just like all those years ago when Dean was about to go and take on Amara. Both times were likely suicide missions and they both knew it. But he let Cas come with him this time. He _needed_ Cas to come with him this time. It just felt wrong otherwise not to have Cas by his side.

And Cas-

Cas

That stupid, dumb, oblivious son of a bitch… he… he…

Dean’s mind was slowly catching up with what had happened. It was all too much. The loud sobs continued to escape from his mouth and he couldn’t stop shaking.

No, Dean was the stupid, dumb, and oblivious one. The one who can’t even control his own damn emotions, who wouldn’t stop and think for a second, who wouldn’t stop being so angry. The one who got nothing to his name. The one who ruined the world… again… The one who knew nothing apart from hunting. The one, who-

-who…

The one who was _loved._

Loved despite all the flaws he had. Hell, if he got a say in this, 90% of him was crap. The other 10% being hunting. That’s all he knew, that’s all he was. He wasn’t special. He wasn’t smart.

He most definitely wasn’t love.

Cas was wrong. All of it was stupid.

_“You see yourself the way our enemies see you”_

NO.

_“You thought for this whole world - for love. That is who are.”_

He’s not.

_“You’re the most caring man on Earth.”_

How could he be when he let Cas go?

_“You’re the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know.”_

How? Why? What did Cas see in him?

How did a goddamn angel think so much of him?

He was nothing. He was worthless. He was stup-

_“I love you”_

He was loved.

_He was loved._

> **_He was loved._ **

For the first time in decades he _felt_ loved. Not since he was 4 years old. He wanted to feel that for so damn long, but he had never allowed himself to. Cause he did not deserve it. Cause he was a hunter and hunters could not have that. There was only killing, anger, and bloodlust in this life, not love. Not love.

But at the same time, here was this billions of years old divine warrior, who could murder with a single thought, and he loved… him… Gave up his life for him… Loving him was his true happiness. And… and…

_“The one thing I want, it’s something I know I can’t have.”_

Dean took a deep breath.

Something clicked.

“Shit”

“Shit, Cas… You have me,” he uttered quietly.

“You have me. You have me… You always did.”

He opened his eyes and looked around the empty room.

Something changed inside of him. Shifted.

The anger and hopelessness were dulled by determination… by love…

He turned his gaze at the wall to where minutes or hours ago Cas disappeared.

“You goddamn sacrificial son of a bitch,” he chuckled.

“You think you can just say that out of nowhere and leave me… again?” he raised his voice as he stood up.

“Nah. I’m not letting you get away. Never again.”

Hunter closed his eyes, taking a deep breath to ground himself, he prayed: “Cas, I’m coming. I’m bringing you back home.”

And while he might not have angelic powers, ability to manipulate spacetime, open doors to another dimension… he was a Winchester… _a Winchester in love -_ a force the universe could not reckon with.

**Author's Note:**

> Might do a continuation of this depending on how 15x19 and 15x20 turn out. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


End file.
